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Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Television

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

People of TV never finish their drinks.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Kitchens don’t have light switches.

When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, “Hello?, Hello?”

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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2 thoughts on “Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Television

  1. Tammy I have just spent the last 5 minutes laughing my socks off! These are just too funny! Thanks for sharing:)

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